What If The Toxicity Is Coming From You?

Sometimes the hardest mirror to look into is the one reflecting our own behavior.

Sometimes the hardest mirror to look into is the one reflecting our own workplace behavior.

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I was six years into my dream job when I realized I'd become that person.

You know the one. The colleague who sighs audibly in meetings. Who responds to every new initiative with "but we tried that before." Who somehow manages to drain the energy from a room just by walking in.

I didn't set out to be toxic. Nobody does. But there I was, sitting in my car after another tense team meeting, complaining to my partner about how "negative" everyone at work had become. The irony was lost on me completely.

It wasn't until my manager pulled me aside for what she called a "culture conversation" that the mirror finally turned my way.

"I've noticed you seem frustrated lately," she said gently. "And I'm wondering if you realize how that's affecting the team."

My first instinct was defense. Me? I wasn't the problem—I was just responding to all the problems around me. The unrealistic deadlines. The poor communication. The way decisions kept changing. I was the canary in the coal mine, warning everyone about the toxic fumes.

Except I wasn't warning anyone. I was adding to the fumes.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Workplace Toxicity

Here's what nobody talks about in those viral LinkedIn posts about toxic workplaces: toxicity isn't just something that happens to you. Sometimes—more often than we'd like to admit—it's something that flows through you.

We love to imagine toxic workplaces as clear-cut scenarios. The screaming boss. The backstabbing colleague. The company that treats people like numbers. And yes, those exist. But most workplace toxicity isn't that dramatic. It's subtler, more insidious, and often unintentional.

It's the accumulation of small negative behaviors that compound over time:

• The eye roll when someone suggests a new approach

• The sarcastic comment that shuts down brainstorming

• The way you check out mentally when certain people are speaking

• The complaints shared in Slack DMs that spread like wildfire

• The "realistic" perspective that consistently focuses on why things won't work

I was guilty of all of these. And the worst part? I genuinely believed I was being helpful. I thought my skepticism was valuable. My complaints were "just being honest." My disengagement was justified because "nothing ever changes anyway."

But here's the thing about toxicity: it doesn't care about your intentions. It only cares about impact.

The Day I Saw Myself Clearly

The turning point came during a project kickoff meeting. Our team was discussing a new client initiative, and as usual, I had concerns. Valid concerns, I thought. But as I started to voice them, I watched something happen around the table.

Shoulders slumped. Eyes glazed over. The energy that had been building around this exciting new project just... deflated.

And I realized: I did that.

Not the project timeline. Not the budget constraints. Not the unclear requirements. Me. My attitude. My approach. My energy.

I was the person who could suck the oxygen out of optimism faster than anyone could generate it.

That night, I did something I'd never done before: I made a list of every negative thing I'd said or done at work in the past week. The list was longer than I expected. Much longer.

• Interrupted Sarah three times in Monday's standup

• Made a joke about "another brilliant idea from leadership" that got uncomfortable laughs

• Spent fifteen minutes complaining about the new project management tool instead of learning how to use it

• Dismissed Jake's suggestion without really considering it

• Sent a passive-aggressive email about meeting scheduling

• Rolled my eyes when the CEO mentioned "synergy" (okay, that one might have been justified, but still...)

Looking at that list, I finally understood what my manager meant. I wasn't just experiencing a toxic workplace—I was creating one.

The Ripple Effect of Your Energy

Here's what I learned about workplace toxicity that changed everything: it's contagious in both directions.

Just like one person's negativity can spread through a team, one person's shift toward positivity can transform an entire culture. But it has to start with radical self-awareness.

I started paying attention to my impact in real-time. Not just what I was saying, but how I was saying it. Not just my words, but my body language, my tone, my energy.

The changes were small at first:

Instead of: "This will never work because..."
I tried: "I see some challenges here. What if we..."

Instead of: Silent eye roll
I tried: "Help me understand the thinking behind this."

Instead of: "We tried something like this before and it failed."
I tried: "What did we learn from previous attempts that we can apply here?"

Instead of: Complaining in side conversations
I tried: Bringing concerns directly to the person who could address them

The shift wasn't immediate, and it wasn't easy. Negativity had become my default mode, and changing defaults takes conscious effort. But slowly, I started to notice something remarkable happening.

People began engaging with me differently. They stopped bracing themselves when I spoke up in meetings. They started asking for my input instead of avoiding it. The team's energy shifted—not because the work got easier, but because the environment got healthier.

The Four Signs You Might Be the Toxicity

If you're reading this and feeling defensive, I get it. I was there too. But consider these questions honestly:

1. Do people change their energy around you?

Pay attention to body language when you enter a room or join a conversation. Do people tense up? Do conversations shift or stop? Do team members seem to walk on eggshells around you?

2. Are you the common denominator in conflicts?

If you find yourself in frequent disagreements, personality clashes, or tense situations with different people, the common factor might be you. This doesn't mean you're always wrong, but it might mean your approach needs adjustment.

3. Do you focus more on problems than solutions?

There's value in identifying issues, but if you consistently point out what's wrong without contributing to what could be right, you might be creating more problems than you're solving.

4. Do you feel energized by workplace drama?

Be honest: do you find yourself drawn to gossip, complaints, and negative conversations? Do you feel a little thrill when sharing frustrations about colleagues or leadership? That energy is toxic, even if it feels justified.

The Transformation Process

Recognizing that you might be contributing to workplace toxicity isn't about shame—it's about power. Because if you're part of the problem, you can also be part of the solution.

Here's the framework that worked for me:

Week 1: Observe Without Judgment

Just notice. Don't try to change anything yet. Simply pay attention to:

• Your default responses in meetings

• The energy you bring to conversations

• How others react to your presence

• The ratio of negative to positive comments you make

Week 2: Pause Before Reacting

Before speaking up with concerns, complaints, or criticism, take a breath and ask:

• Is this helpful?

• Is this the right time and place?

• Am I offering solutions or just problems?

• What energy am I about to contribute?

Week 3: Experiment With Positivity

This isn't about fake enthusiasm. It's about genuine curiosity and constructive engagement:

• Ask questions instead of making statements

• Look for what's working, not just what isn't

• Offer alternatives when you identify problems

• Practice active listening without preparing your rebuttal

Week 4: Take Responsibility

When you catch yourself falling back into old patterns (and you will), own it:

• "I realize I just shut down that idea without really considering it. Can we revisit it?"

• "I've been pretty negative about this project. Let me try a different approach."

• "I think I interrupted you. Please continue."

The Unexpected Benefits

Six months after my "culture conversation," something amazing happened. My manager approached me again, but this time with a different message:

"I don't know what you've been doing differently, but the whole team's energy has shifted. People are more collaborative, more willing to take risks, more engaged. Whatever it is, keep doing it."

The irony wasn't lost on me. By focusing on my own behavior instead of everyone else's, I'd somehow influenced the entire team's dynamic.

But the benefits went beyond team culture:

My stress levels dropped. When you stop looking for problems everywhere, you stop finding them everywhere.

My relationships improved. Colleagues started seeking out my input instead of avoiding it.

My work got better. Positive energy is creative energy. When I stopped spending mental bandwidth on complaints, I had more capacity for solutions.

My career accelerated. Leaders noticed the change and started giving me more responsibility and visibility.

Most importantly, I started enjoying work again. Not because the job got easier, but because I got better at it.

The Ripple Effect Continues

Here's the beautiful thing about taking responsibility for your own workplace energy: it gives others permission to do the same.

When you stop contributing to toxicity, you create space for others to step up. When you model constructive behavior, it becomes contagious. When you choose growth over blame, you inspire others to do the same.

I'm not saying every toxic workplace can be fixed by individual behavior change. Some environments are genuinely harmful and require systemic change or, frankly, an exit strategy.

But I am saying this: before you conclude that your workplace is irredeemably toxic, take an honest look at your own contribution to the culture. Because the person with the most power to change your work experience isn't your boss, your colleagues, or your company.

It's you.

Your Next Step

If this resonates with you, here's your challenge for this week:

Day 1-2: Just observe. Notice your default responses, your energy, your impact.

Day 3-4: Before speaking up with any concern or complaint, pause and ask: "How can I make this constructive?"

Day 5: At the end of the day, write down one positive interaction you had and one negative pattern you noticed in yourself.

Remember: recognizing that you might be part of the problem isn't an admission of failure. It's the first step toward becoming part of the solution.

And sometimes, that's exactly what your workplace—and your career—needs most.

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What's one small change you could make this week to improve the energy you bring to work? Hit reply and let me know—I read every response.

P.S. If this hit home, you're not alone. The most successful people I know have all had their "mirror moment" at some point. The difference is what they did with that awareness. Choose growth. Choose responsibility. Choose to be the change you want to see in your workplace.

Ready to transform more than just your work life? Next week, we're diving into how the same principles apply to your relationships, your health habits, and your personal growth. Because sometimes the most powerful question isn't "What's wrong with this situation?" but "What's my part in it?"